The Author Of My Life

If I died Last night

In an aeroplane

in a pile up on the interstate

If I closed my eyes and went up in flames

If I took too much and I suffocated

It would tear me apart

It would haunt me forever

So much youd never get to know

If I died last night…

-Jessie Murph

Fractured, broken, shattered, torn, utterly hopeless, and helpless. Not the words most people would describe themselves as. Unless you were Cadence. If there was a mess to be made, an alibi to conjure, or a hole to fall in then there she was. She would be standing at the bottom of the hole, sweeping dirt, making the hole deeper and deeper, and criticizing herself the entire time.

Cadence was once so striking of a young woman. She had long dark mahogany hair, green piercing eyes, and freckles perfectly painted across her cheekbones and the bridge of her nose. Once an hour glass figure, now turned into a thin bag of bones. Her hair cut, short above her shoulders after suffering a feverishly manic psychosis. Her green eyes sunken in, the life drained as they once resembled the ocean now resembles the dead sea.

There was, however, one redeemable quality about Cadence and that was that she was a mother. She created a beautiful life that she viewed more valuable then her own. River was the only reason she loosely clung to life. Without many qualities to brag about, the one quality that anyone with eyes could see how much she deeply loves this little boy. She loved him so deep, deep enough to leave him.

For she considered herself as poison; as a contagious disease that would engulf him just by her touch. She was so blanketed and consumed by self loathing that she truly believed if she passed in her sleep, she would be saving her son of a life full of misery and misfortune. He was superman and she was kryptonite.

I could go into Cadence’s story and what brought her to this fateful night of December 26th but it wouldn’t matter. IF she had crippling depression, an eating disorder, or a heartbreaking addiction it would not matter. It’d only make you ponder preconceived judgements about her and Cadence already judged herself enough. What matters is what happened that night. When hopelessness turns to desperation then desperation usually ends in tragedy. Tonight, on a snowy December evening Cadence would lose hope, and River would be free of his pitiful but doting mother.

Bent over with her knees on the ground she tied River’s shoes, slowly and intentionally, making sure to soak in everything about her greatest accomplishment. She made sure to study his toes wiggling and waiting patiently for her to grab his other shoe. With love, she looked up at his glowing face and made sure to remember every freckles placement and his loose honey colored bangs. She brushed his curls behind his ears and kissed him gently on his forehead.

Her neighbor came to the door dressed head to toe in Christmas attire. Always came by with a grin from ear to ear. Shelly was a helpful and sometimes nosy neighbor, always bringing by groceries, and always offering unsolicited advice. Besides being a neighborhood nosy nelly, she really was kind to Cadence and River.

Shelly was the only person Cay could even loosely describe as a friend. Ms. Shelly and her big teddy bear of a husband invited River to drive around and look at Christmas lights. Cadence agreed to the outing because she wanted River to have only fond memories of such a soon to be somber night.

“If I took too much and I suffocated”

-Jessie Murph

As she laid on the bathroom floor in her house she could only think of what a beautiful sacrifice she was making. Delusional, she really believed in her heart of hearts that he was so young and wouldn’t hurt over her loss because she only left him with love and memories. Her curse of a life will no longer engulf his innocent little soul. She had to tell herself over and over that his older self will thank her in heaven if he ever visited her grave. A shiver went up her spine. Her chest got extremely tight and the lights in the room and her soul dimmed until there was nothing but darkness.

However, the darkness was soon interrupted by a swinging light bulb turned on. It only lit her body and a wooden chair. It was almost like she was just shoved into an interrogation room.

She thought to herself, “I guess this is my final judgement. This is where I face God and have to explain myself.”

Her mind frantically scrambled to line up her excuses to all of her poor life choices up to this point.

“Hopefully God is a woman.” She spoke to herself. “Maybe she will sympathize with the tremendous sacrifice I made for River.”

A glowing woman in white did NOT walk into the room and the man that appeared was NO God. She thought to herself, “If this is God, he could really use a shower, some sleep, and possibly a tailor.” His suit and tie were extremely disheveled. Accessorized with a tie hung loosely around his neck with a suit jacket that looked too small. His button up shirt had two, maybe three, coffee stains on it. His pants were ill fitting as well and needed to be pressed.

He looked no older then 35 even though his black hair and stubbly beard may have made him look a touch older. The man reminded Cadence of a homicide detective that barely slept and was already way too obsessed with his case. He even smelt like cheap bourbon and stale cigarettes. Cadence half smirked thinking if this is my guardian angel then my life on earth makes a little more sense. She sat quietly and still completely in awe as he started to go off on quite the tangent

“Do you realize what you have done Ms. Cadence!? Are you aware of how much pressure you have put us under?! I was finally making headway with your storyline. I had the next 5 years beautifully and meticulously written out!” He shouted.

Still in disbelief, Cadence was able to mutter quietly, “Who’s us? Who are YOU?”

Mockingly, as if her ignorance of the bigger picture was utterly irritating. He answered while trying hard to keep his composure to not scare the young woman . “I am the author of your life. You don’t just get to destroy my entire life’s work in one impulsive move!” Yeah, Sure, I always give my characters some creative license or artistic freedom if you will and you would be surprised how often you disappointed me.”

Cadence shock turned to anger quickly. She stood up and shouted back. “Disappointed you!? The author of my life!? You disappointed ME! According to YOU, I am your life\s work. My story has been filled with tragedy and misfortune!”

As he stood up she felt a ferocious strong wing in the room that forced her back to sit in her chair.

“It was character development, Cadence! I wanted you to succeed! Every writer wants a happy ending and a hero. You were your own worst enemy. The main character was always given two manuscripts, a narrative of each chapter. Sometime, more then two drafts especially if it was a life altering chapter. You chose your path over and over again. I placed people in your life who were pivotal in providing help and you pushed them away each time. You are by far the most stubborn character I’ve ever written. With each choice and path you went it forced me to write the consequence of your actions.

I was finally ready to take back control of your character only days before you took your story into your own hands. The paperwork! Oh my God, the paperwork that I have to submit to the authors of those in your life is mounting. This tragedy will affect River, your parents, neighbors, and other lives in almost a more traumatic way then your life up to this point. Sit down and listen. I will go over what I planned for you, what i have written so eloquently as your success story.”

As tears filled her eyes, Cadence looked down into her lap reluctantly questioning if she even wanted to listen to this stranger any longer. Just make the judgement she thought. However, she was very curious in what the next 5 years of her life looked like. She looked up to him and quivering, she muttered “tell me.”

He pulled a massive book with Thousands of pages. Each page had post it notes and scribbles. The entire manuscript looked like a jumbled mess. He was either very indecisive or very manic. He signed and sat back in his chair. She prepared herself for what new tragedy he’d place in her lap. What more could he have put her through. She still felt like it was hard to believe she had choices all this time.

“I couldn’t stand seeing how far gone your character had gone down the rabbit hole. River’s author and myself sat hours on end. River’s writer was sure that he would turn your life around for the better and I could take back control of my narrative. When you didn’t take the initiative to get help after he was born we knew that only misfortune was the theme we would have to work together with. December 26th was a somber day for sure but you had reached your breaking point. You called for help. Family that you thought did not want to hear from your ever again answered the phone relieved to hear your voice. Your mother was over joyed by the call. And you spoke for hours about River and your hope for a better life.”

“I burned those bridges” said Cadence in disbelief.

“You sure did, but your mother’s author still wrote compassion and love for you. It is not becoming of you to assume the worst all the time. I don’t know what I wrote to make you think this so often. She drove hours to come get you and river. There was still a lot of hurt, resentment, and fear but it was a starting point. River was delighted to be reunited with his grandmother. And just seeing him light up and pack his bag gave you some hope.

Her and your father took such special care of the both of you. You sought the help you needed and besides a few setbacks, you actually worked hard to change your perspective on life. You realized how selfish it would be to leave your son without a mother. Your mother took care of River for a year.

“Can’t stand the thought of you getting that call
Dropping your phone, running down the hall
Blaming yourself for when shit hit the wall
And drowning my memory in alcohol

If I went to Heaven it would still be Hell
Without you there”

-Jessie Murph

“I would never leave my son’s side!” Cadence interrupted

“But you just did. Anyways, in that year you learned a lot about yourself and the strength I originally developed in you. You started to remember who you were before walking a severely beaten path. You took initiative and you asked for help without pride. Seeing River occasionally gave you even more strength and more purpose to continue.”

Cadence’s attitude started to shift and soften up. The thought of her son being well taken care of sounded so serene.

“You were on your own for the first time, and you weren’t seeking love from others. Your character development thus far was incredibly hard to break cycles you were once used to. You were forced to live, and not just survive.”

He flipped through a few pages and smiled once he spotted one of his favorite pages. He was proud of the work he had done to turn her life around but also sad at the same time that it wouldn’t be shared with the world based on one senseless decision.

“Look, read that first line.” he smiled and said.

She read aloud to appease him and smiled soon after she read the first sentence. “Cadence and River were reunited! Mornings were spent waking up beside her baby boy.”

She began to weep but remembered how tough life was when it was just her and the boy against the world. Her previous fear and worry began to take over as she pushed the book away. “I don’t want to know more. Let’s just leave on this note. I don’t want to hear what comes next because after joy comes grief and I’d rather pass on to the other side hearing that one beautiful sentence.”

Smugly, her author smiled and pushed the book back in front of her. “Ah, but Cadence, it gets better.”

Turning her face up to the light she decided to listen to more, hoping to hear more about River.

“You meet a man, a father figure for your boy and it was extremely hard to get you to trust this man due to everything that has already been written up to this very moment. I decided to take any creative freedom from you. You were not to be trusted with choosing your own path at this point. Especially due to your tremendous track record of going rogue on my efforts to finish my version.”

Cadence smiled knowing that a higher power was removing her ability to choose for once. She wouldn’t know what to do at this point in the story. Trust another man? It absolutely terrified her to introduce a father figure into her son’s life again. She would have been perfectly content to hear about them being reunited again in more detail, but she went along with it.

He continued, “You were constantly making small wins and opening up to the possibility of a future filled with dreams and security. You settled into this new life and became pregnant with your second son. A little blonde hair blue eyed brother for River.

This news completely shocked Cadence and she had a hard time picking her jaw off the floor. She never had imagined more children. Her entire LIFE was River. Did she even have enough love in her wounded heart for TWO? She gripped the handle of her seat but motioned with her hand for him to continue.

“His name was Riley. Riley’s author had such great plans for this young boy., As a young writer he was bursting with ideas and could not wait to develop him into such a success. That reminds me, I am going to have to call him after this to let him know he is sorely out of a job.”

“Keep going!” Cadence said trying to remain as composed as possible to keep him on track.

“Right, Riley, what a beautiful little soul. He filled your home with love and laughter. He was a wild soul and very mischievous. At the same time he would grow to be so bright and so caring. It is amazing what having two doting parents will do for a household and a successful storyline. And yes, the small family you were creating was a beautiful story to read but just as beautiful was the story between you and your estranged family. Gatherings happened frequently where birthdays, new births, holidays weddings, and just the casual get togethers were the center and foundation of your new life. Cadence, your family trusted you again.”

Tears filled her eyes and she gasped at the mere thought of this revelation. Trust? Love? Gatherings? New life? New stories? Is this everything i lost in a split second. Could I have taken such beautiful moments and stability away from my Son and apparently my unborn child? She started to feel unsettled and panic was inevitable. She wanted to run like hell back to that bathroom and she wanted jump in the car with her neighbors and my God did she want to tuck River in bed. “What did I do!?” She yelled.

She took his book and tried to run to every corner of the room looking for a door but it was four solid walls. There was no running back and there was no escaping the fact that she lost the life that was right around the corner. She died. She made sure of it. And with her death story died. She paced the room thinking and shouting aloud “What did I do over and over and then she looked the author right in the eyes and screamed for mercy, “What can I do? How do I get back to my life!? What do you want me to do!?

The author disappeared and a voice came loud and clear “BREATHE CADENCE!” She felt the compression on her chest as someone had their hands over it pushing down while sweat dripped from this strangers forehead onto her face. “BREATHE!” she heard again as her vision appeared and her heart started beating. She was on the floor of the bathroom with EMS workers surrounding her. Read and blue lights poured into the windows and just then then realized her attempt was unsuccessful.

Shelly, her neighbor, had forgot her pocketbook on the entry table when grabbing River’s bag of snacks for the drive. They did not even get to the end of the street before they turned around to retrieve it. Shelly knocked repeatedly upon arriving until she realized the door was unlocked. Having a heavy feeling, Shelly started calling out for Cadence. Cadence’s car was still in the driveway and it was only a few minutes since she was at the door sending off her son so something seemed horribly wrong. Finding Cadence on the floor of the hallway bathroom, Shelly quickly dialed 911 to save her friend’s life.

Paramedics were able to revive Cadence and reunite her with her very worried child. The only thing she remembered from her time on that floor was the lights going out a swinging light bulb turning on in the room. She squeezed river tighter then she ever has and told him “Everything is going to be alright.”

Two days later, Cadence decides to take a chance and call her parents. She spoke to her mom for hours on end.

Author’s Note

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my new short story. This one really hit home for me. I attempted to take my life in December of 2017 and since my failed attempt I have been able to watch my oldest son grow, and introduced two new precious boys to my little family. Life is far but perfect but if I had been successful it’s so important to think about how much I would have lost.

I now have a life where I am close to my family, 3 beautiful boys, a supporting partner and above all hope. I heard the song, “if I Died Last Night” by Jessie Murph and played it on repeat for days as I wrote this personal short story. Check out the song here . Just know no matter how dark it seems and how heavy life’s burdens are, all it takes is one small step to set a whole new narrative in motion. Check out my website for more mental health articles such as How To Plan Events With Anxiety Disorder

• Alina DIPalma