Trauma Bonding – A New Perspective

A Controversial Topic

Trauma Bonding has been a topic I’ve looked forward to touching on. You have no idea how many months it took me to write this article. I’m sure my blogger community thought that I fell off the face of the earth, I sort of did. During this winter season we probably passed around every virus under the sun. It was always a new person in the house getting sick, The holidays as you know are hectic. But lets stop making excuses. It is mainly because I couldn’t wrap my head around this topic, but I was too stubborn to switch routes and write a different piece. I can definitely admit that I threw away three drafts.

But why? Why did I have trouble with this when I’m passionate about redefining a much talked about topic in the mental health community? Controversary and sensitivity revolving the topic would be at the top of the list. I didn’t want to make light of a serious topic. A trauma bond is typically portrayed online and through social media as an attachment to a narcissistic abusive partner. However, there is another definition of trauma bonding that isn’t highlighted enough in my personal opinion. This article highlights the positive and healthy benefit of forming trauma bonds. So let’s differentiate between the two very dissimilar definitions. I want to shake up the perception of what trauma bonds are and how they can help individuals work through their own trauma

Two Definitions of Trauma Bonding

1. “Trauma Bonding is the attachment an abused person feels for their abuser, specifically in a relationship with a cyclical pattern of abuse.”
2. “Trauma Bonding is a phenomenon where individuals form deep connections with others who have experienced similar traumas.”

I can’t even explain the pleather of information you can find on the first description. If you google trauma bonding, you will get hundred of articles highlighting the negative definition highlighting bonding with an abuser. It wasn’t until my fiancé and I tried googling individuals relating to similar trauma and the second definition finally appeared in the search engine. Is it because social media and search engine articles get more clicks when talking about the dark side of mental illness and the negative results of trauma? Is it more interesting to point out our problems and not make accessible the help and resources to get through such abuse?

On social media trauma bonding is made into something relating to making light of your choices in picking broken men. Domestic violence is not something to make light of or mock for clicks. At the end of my article I will provide resources for those stuck in an abusive relationship. However, nowhere on social media does it highlight the healthy definition of trauma bonding. So let’s dive in.

My Definition of Trauma Bonds

If I was Webster or good ole Google I would define trauma bonds similarly to the second definition in the above reference. My definition would go as follow:

A trauma bond is the bond and connection you make with another person who has been through a trauma regardless of how significant or devastating. A psychological, emotional, or intimate draw towards those who have experienced mental illness or unfortunate hardships in their personal life. Feeling inadequate or “broken” to where one might seek out those who can relate on a deep psychological level to provide some sort of relief or clarity to their own trauma. An understanding or sympathy to one’s own trauma

Misery Loves Company

Some might take a look at my perception of trauma bonds and condense it into three words. Misery loves company. However that time old expression isn’t as black and white as it sounds. The saying has always held a negative connotation. Usually the saying is supposed to imply that miserable people love to spread their misery to those around them. They almost feed off other peoples anger, frustration, or grief. I must say though, sharing trauma can be healthy and the company you share can help work through years and years of trauma. You can sit in your misery together or you can use your trauma bond to heal from it. Finding that shared anguish, grief, or trauma can encourage healing, growth, and the power to love each other and hold each other accountable to encourage healing.

3 Healthy Examples of Healthy Trauma Bonds

1. Group Therapy:
2. Intimate Connection
3. Friendship Founded on Empathy

Group Therapy

A prime example of forming trauma bonds lies within your own community. Group therapy or support groups is most likely the leading outlet to forming healthy trauma bonds. Such groups consist of ALNON, AA, NA, grief, support, and mental illness groups within your surrounding area. I personally have experience and success with the addiction support groups in my area. When you share trauma with individuals, you can learn so many different coping mechanisms and encouragement through your fellow group members successes.

Sometimes to get through trauma or addiction, we just need to feel like we are no longer alone with our illness. If you walk into a support group with the intentions to improve your life, the rewards are unimaginable. I have no words for how much group therapy has worked in my life. Not only do you benefit from relating to your peers, group therapy also has so many resources you can reach out to in addition to the group setting.

Intimate Connection

Have you ever been told you have a habit of picking broken men? I have. And let me tell you, it hasn’t always been beneficial or healthy. Because I wasn’t ready to address my own trauma or heal, I gravitated towards men who also weren’t ready or willing to address their past trauma. Two individuals with unresolved trauma or checkered pasts can be like gasoline and fire. This kind of trauma bond relates to the first definition of trauma bonding and what articles and social media like to reference when it comes to relationships and abuse. However, there is a healthy version of trauma bonding with your romantic partner that nobody seems to be talking about.

The only way I know how to describe it is by explaining my current relationship. My fiancé and I met when we were both in very vulnerable positions. I was just leaving Halfway after a year of a grueling recovery journey. In no way was I ready or willing to start a relationship. I was dedicated to staying clean and healthy. He was n the process of getting his life in order and let me tell you, he had a pretty tumultuous childhood and even as an adult.

Being thrown into foster care, running the streets, battles with addiction, and a lengthy sentence and any other red flag you might possibly think of. We bonded as friends over past trauma and related to each other on such a deep level. The difference between this relationship and my past trauma bonds is we were both in a place where we wanted to work together to tackle our trauma and become better people.

Our past trauma connected us but we chose to not let it define the relationship. We both wanted better for ourselves and for each other. Focusing on our own individual growth and healing, we became a force to be reckoned with. Defeating the stereotypes and predictions that our life would always be difficult, we rose to the occasion and used our support and bond to become healthy and happy individuals. Now, as a family of five, we can say that our trauma bond was a foundation to our new healthy way of life. I appreciate and admire the support this man gave me and our children regardless on how hard of hand he was dealt.

Friendship Founded on Empathy

There is nothing like the bond between friends. They are your confidants, your support, and your shoulder to cry on. There is a difference between sharing your trauma for attention opposed to sharing for empathy. It is human nature to seek and give empathy. It’s what makes us uniquely human. Relating to your friends past traumas can be incredibly therapeutic. With the right support system you can truly find closer on some of your deepest insecurities. There is a few questions you should ask yourself when forming trauma bonds in a friendships.

1. Do you and your friend communicate in a healthy and supportive way?
2. When expressing your hurt, grief, or frustration, does your friend cast judgement, shame, or criticism?
3. Does your friend try to relate and provide empathy even if they don’t?
4. Do you feel safe when you confide in that friend?

If you can answer most or all of the questions with an undeniable YES, you have found a healthy trauma bond in a friendship. I have made a lot of friends through my support groups or social media. Some of our first bonding moments were founded on our relatable trauma we experienced in our lives. My best friend Megan and I have been friends for many years and connected through social media. Both being in recovery we related in many ways but in order for a friendship to be healthy you need to bond over more then just your traumas. Her sense of humor, strength, support, and effort were also building blocks to our undeniable bond. We hold each other accountable and also provide a safe place for each of us to share our lives. Those are the types of friendships that last forever.

Resources and Conclusion

I hope this helped in shining a light on all of the ways you can obtain and maintain healthy trauma bonds. The main message is no one is alone in this world. There is always a tribe out there that can relate and encourage each other to heal and grow.

• National Abuse Hotline: (800) 799-7233
• Samhsa.gov (Substance abuse and mental health): (800) 662-4357

To find support groups in your area talk to your primary care physician or mental health professional in your area

You can also call 211 to get a list of groups in your area.

Check out my recent articles highlighting more important mental health topics such as self esteem and self image.