What’s Wrong With Me?- Changing Our Inner Dialogue

My Back Story

“What’s wrong with you?” Those are the words that stuck with me for a lifetime. When you are experiencing everything you are as a pre-teen without your same sex parent raising you, you are already asking yourself this on a daily basis. Why can’t I fit in? Why can’t I talk to the boy I like? Why do I have to use my grandma’s iron and ironing board to get my hair half straight?! (Yes, I just aged myself.) I get it. Sure, other things stuck around in my brain, like you can do anything you want to do, and you are talented. But all it takes is a parent to mutter or shout the words “What’s wrong with you” to really alter my life.

Now that I am a parent my kids have had the pleasure of baffling me to the point where I just wanted to shout “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?”. I understand how a parent can get frustrated to the point where our children aren’t saying the right thing or acting how we believe a child should act, and that is our go to question. But fellow parents, keep that question in your head. Especially if mental illness runs rampant in your bloodline. Those are the words kids remember just pray they don’t act on it like I did,

I wasn’t aware until my early 20’s that I had undiagnosed Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. I did know that there was something wrong with me however. There would be days that I couldn’t get out of bed. I was a fickle friend. A fair weather friend if you will. I’d get close to people and then withdraw and not speak to them in weeks. Good luck trying to get me to text back in a timely manner. I was a mess and looking for someone or something to fix me. Growing up and always bidding for my parent’s approval caused me to seek approval from men. They had every right to call me this, but most boys said, “she’s crazy.” Partly true. Won’t lie. But little did I know that everything I was experiencing and going through was due to mental illness. but I always came back to that same question. “What is wrong with me?”

Without therapy and an outlet to express my emotions I became hard to handle. Nobody questions their worth and what is wrong with them more than when you are sent to live with your other parent right before high school. I dont hold resentment any longer. They couldn’t figure out how to navigate my rebelious nature which (ha,ha) would later be called mental illness, not preteen angst. I felt so alone and so broken. I started looking for a magic pill. Like literally. I started dabbling in pills and found the holy grail of blocking out emotions. Opioids. I had a 10 year therapist named Oxycodone and he should have been fired after the first day.

When you can’t figure out what is wrong with you and why you feel the way you do, then why even feel at all? I thought I had found the holy grail of dealing with my debilitating depression. It cost me EVERYTHING. It wasn’t until I went to rehab at the age of 26 that I realized I was self medicating and living with nothing but fear, paranoia, and utter despair. They quickly got me on the right medication and balanced it and I got clean from all mood altering substances 6 years ago and counting.

There was nothing wrong with ME. There was something wrong with the chemistry and wiring in my brain. It did not produce serotonin (The happy chemicals) the way it did with people with functioning brains. How relieving it was to know that I wasn’t broken, just my brain was. And it could be FIXED. Not with mind numbing opiates which completely destroyed me in many other ways but that is a whole other blog for a whole other time. I was able to talk to therapists, get the help I needed, remove the toxins from my body, and start balancing out my extremely unbalanced brain. An, I learned to speak to myself with kindness and confidence. I had to unlearn thing I was every taught.

What does this mean for you?

What did I take away from my journey and how could my journey help my audience? I learned that we are all programmed to talk to ourselves in a way the outside world perceives us. Telling myself I am unlovable. Sometimes I am not ambitious. We convince ourselves we are too scared. I can’t. I won’t. Stop! Stop lying to yourself. Take for example: Look at your kid and tell them every negative self talk you ever uttered to yourself. Is it kind? Do you feel like it would hurt them to hear the things you tell yourself directly spoken to them? What if you told your child or your loved one that they are unlovable every day. 

You wouldn’t do it to them so why do this to yourself? If I could go back to my younger self I would ask her “What’s right about you?”. Forget what’s wrong with you because you can make moves to change that. Okay, so this is starting to sound a little self helpy. It’s probably because I am on my 4th rerun of Dr. Phil and besides the bald head sometimes I sound like him. Repeating myself in every episode. I’m pretty sure he says “I want to do this with you, not to you” to every guest he has. Tell me I’m wrong. Let’s be real. We will always be our worst critic but if you really take a look at your strengths more often then you look at your shortfalls. I promise you, your perspective will change and so will your life. 

Just think to yourself, would I walk up to a stranger and tell them what I’m telling myself right now? Would someone be upset to be told, “you’ll never succeed:”. Yes… yes they would. I always used to think daily affirmations were a crock. I said I would never be able to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I am worthy, I am kind, etc. etc. without laughing or crying. So i Don’t.

Instead I write them down and hang them up and read them from time to time because words are magical and inspired me to start writing again. You don’t read the words aloud in the mirror (Okay, maybe some of you do) but I sure don’t. I read them to myself. The same way I read to myself, is the same way I criticize myself. I don’t criticize myself out loud. That would be actually quite scary especially in public and people might consider I am on more than my daily cup of coffee. 

Try writing down what you love about yourself. Write what is RIGHT about you. Read it to yourself and watch the negative self talk literally pack a suitcase and leave your body. Will it come back like an unwanted houseguest from hell? Probably. But will you have the tools and know with all to remember to balance it out with something that’s right about you.” Absolutely

What’s right about you today? If you can’t think of something and think everything is wrong then keep searching. Keep digging deep and find something to like even if it’s just the way you bake cookies, or iron your clothes and the more you think about the positive things you like about yourself the more you will drown out the negative. And boy does that make you stronger than you know. Maybe that’s what’s right about you? The fact that you still get up in the morning and try to do your best. That is really the only thing that matters!