8 Ways to Boost and Build Your Childs Self Esteem

(Part 1: Building Self Worth and Self Esteem (1-4)

8 Ways To Boost And Build Your Child’s Self Esteem-Part One

Children’s self esteem is such an easy concept. Speak kind to them. However, self awareness on how we implement it can be quite complex. 

Self Esteem Definition:

Definition of Self Esteem according to Wikipedia:  Self-esteem is confidence in one’s own worth, abilities or morals. Self-esteem encompasses beliefs about oneself (for example, “I am loved”, “I am worthy”) as well as emotional states, such as triumph, despair, pride, and shame.

Intro

Having three little characters of all different ages and personalities has definitely opened my eyes to how I parent and encourage each child. And with that said, yes, every child is different, so your approach might be different as well. When I was a child, my self esteem was at an all time low because my parents didn’t have the right approach. That doesn’t mean they didn’t try and didn’t mean well. They just weren’t equipped with any tools to handle a dorky, curly haired, overly emotional, often depressed, brace face, weirdo like me. I really had it all going on. 

We tell children about their endless potential and how beautiful and handsome they are even if they have a face only a mother could love. Now I wasn’t the worst. I grew up to embrace my curly  hair, and master my emotions (at times), and celebrate my dorky weirdo personality. I do believe I was pretty but not all the time by society’s standards. 

And that is the question. How do we prepare them and build them up in such a flawed society? I organized a few tools and points into eight categories that either I implement for my boys or that I wish were implemented with my younger self. Let’s get into it!

1., Praise your children on what is important to them, not just your ideals.

Has your child ever come up to you super excited about something that, let’s be honest, really isn’t that exciting or pressing. My oldrest does it all the time. He will come rattling off how he beat this level to the newest fad in video games, and he will look so full of pride and excitement that he could probably burst if you touched his shoulder.  That’s only one example. Your child could have won the jump rope contest between him and his cousins and beamed with joy as he told you that he did a whole 4 spins with that thing, and then fell flat on his face, but how cool it was.

Now keep those examples in mind while I ask you a few questions. What do we as parents feel like we have to encourage? The typical top three are grades, hygiene, and manners. Do you really think any of these things truly matter to your children? They should! And by all means, PLEASE KEEP ENCOURAGING THESE THINGS! The reason I ask this is because children have pride in these things because it makes YOU proud. But what makes them proud of themselves? 

Next question. When your child starts rattling off about a video game, tv show, or fictional character what is your go to response? Mine is, “that’s nice.” No probing questions, no shared excitement, and no “good job”. I found myself doing this all the time because frankly I don’t know the first thing about video games, and most of his interests are geared towards BOYS. This girl is a GIRL’s girl.

 I noticed he stopped coming to me with his latest success in gaming. When I’d bring up his latest stick man book series he created, he’d shrug and say the book is pretty long, I know you’re busy.” It BROKE my heart. I had nothing to nonchalantly say “that’s nice” to, and continue working on what I was working on. He would start to compare himself to other gamers and online personalities. He was critical of himself because he didn’t have his number one cheerleader (his mom) telling him how great he plays and entertains.

 I am constantly telling him how handsome he is and how smart he is and how well mannered, thinking that’s all the encouragement he could possibly need. Find out your child’s top three interests. Even if it’s not your cup of tea, its SO important to them! Encourage them and maybe watch them play or listen to their creative stories. Read their short stories, and find out what’s new and exciting in their world.

 Once I started really listening to his adventures in gaming, writing, and invested myself into some of the characters I started to realize how much praise I could offer! He created some of the most brilliant short stories, mastered some extremely tough levels, and had the most entertaining self made videos. The opportunities to boost his self esteem were endless once I submerged myself into his world. Find out what motivates and excites your children. Sometimes just your mutual enthusiasm is enough to really boost their self esteem

2. Age Appropriate Conversations About Choices and LIfe.

Theres one thing that really matters to children and that is gaining our trust. They want to be trusted and they want to feel like they are capable and comfortable with telling us anything. I had a tough life, and there are many parts of my life where my kids are nowhere near the right age to divulge them in some of those details. You want to be open with your children but you also want to preserve their innocence, let’s face it, for the rest of their lives.

 When do we start talking about important topics? My advice is when they come up. You don’t want your child to google, “how do I talk to the girl I like in my class?” You also don’t want them to think you are perfect and make the right judgements all the time because how could you possibly understand if they made a mistake or feel vulnerable. Talking to children about mistakes you may have made, or things you wish you knew when you were younger not only makes them feel like you trust them with tough information but it also gives them real life examples to live by.

 Will they always take your advice and follow your heart to heart? Most likely not. How many times are you going to tell them, “When you’re older you’ll understand”, or “I’ll tell you when you are older”. You don’t always have to have this response if you can  talk to  them openly at an age appropriate level. 

Here is an example: My son asked me why me and his father aren’t together anymore. I could have easily said “You are too young to understand” or “When you’re older I’ll tell you.” Was I going to give him details that his young mind wouldn’t be able to comprehend? Absolutely not, but if he has questions at his age, I\d rather have an open conversation then shut it down and let him fill in the blanks. What if I shut down the conversation? Would he think that he was the reason we split? He would probably think twice then to try to ask me personal questions in the future which is the last thing I’d want him to do.

 Instead I started to tell him an age appropriate response. I said “Mommy was young when she and your father had you and I still hadn\t figured out life yet. I knew that we both loved you tremendously and you were what kept us together when we had you. However, we were both unhappy and living an unhealthy lifestyle. When we were in a relationship we made choices that hurt us and in order to not subject you to that hurt we parted ways so you and mommy could heal in an environment where you had all your cousins, grandparents, and a beautiful sunny location such as florida to have a happy healthy life and heal.” 

 I didn’t have to bring up the events surrounding the move or the break up. Instead I answered his question in detail and made sure to list all of the positives that came out of a hard situation. I made sure he knew he wasn’t the reason without having the list of the reasons we were in that situation. He felt confident with that answer and now feels comfortable to ask me hard questions. Confidence and self esteem go hand in hand. Making them feel comfortable to ask you hard questions makes them feel like you trust them with hard answers. It makes them feel older and thrilled that you opened up to them leaving the door wide open for them to do the same. 

3. Taking The Word “Bad” and “Naughty” Out of Your Vocabulary

Raise your hand if you ever described your toddler as “bad”. You are behind a computer or phone screen. Don’t worry, nobody will judge or see you. I currently have my hand raised to the ceiling while my infant is smiling at me thinking I’m playing a waving game. You might be thinking, “yes I love my child but sometimes they can be BAD. It is in their nature, Alina, they act bad and misbehave and tend to wind up on Santa’s naughty list from time to time. That doesn’t mean THEY are bad.” A HA! 

That doesn’t mean they are bad. 

You hit the nail on the head. They aren’t bad. They do and say naughty things sometimes but when describing your child, take the word bad out of your vocabulary!

Your children grow up and think of themselves the same way you talk to them. Everyone knows my middle child is hell on wheels. Bad to the bone. We already accepted that he just does what he wants, when he wants, and can be unmanageable at times. I caught myself a few times talking in front of him to people saying things like “Johnny is being so bad today” or “he’s just being so bad right now”. To him, I’d say “you are a bad boy! Don’t do that. Stop being so bad”. I had to change my language in front of him.

 I don’t want him ever growing up thinking that being bad is a personality trait. “Bad” should never be a term they use to identify as just because they grew up hearing their parents describe them as such. So now I vow to never use the word bad in front of him. I was talking to Jason today and said he was being pretty wild and spirited. now I do say what he is doing is bad, to teach him, but I don’t tell him he is being bad. I tell him he is not listening or tell him to calm down but he is not a “bad kid”.

 He is my wild child. My enthusiastic and sometimes loud little tornado. He is still finding his voice in the world and testing boundaries (many boundaries). Maybe as parents we can all be a little more conscious of the words we use to describe our kids because they are always listening and internalizing.

4. Trust Them With Their Siblings

If you have a child that is an only sibling you can skip over this but I felt like it was super important to touch on. I have seen my two older children’s self esteem soar when I encourage their nurturing side. I feel like every child has a personality trait that exhibits a beautiful nurturing side to their personality. Sometimes these attributes come out when taking care of animals or forming close relationships with their peers. When you see their nurturing side come out it really is extraordinary. 

Example: Reece, my oldest son (9 years old) was my only child until I got pregnant with Johnathan (now 4 years old). I was petrified. How was I going to bring this new baby into the family from a different father and make Reece feel secure and included. I had every fear imaginable that he would resent Johnny or feel jealous of his new baby brother. By reaching out to other families I found out that this feeling of impending doom and anxiety is totally normal. I am half neurotic and half doom and gloom sometimes in the most positive of situations. I mean I was having a baby for crocs sake. This was a beautiful moment. I think my worry was rubbing off on Reece because he acted very withdrawn and reclusive when it came to bringing this tiny little guy home.

It wasn’t until I started involving Reece in everything from feeding, changing diapers (ew, I know), picking out his outfits, and laying them next to each other to bond that I saw such a nurturing side of my older boy. He was absolutely smitten. You could see his self esteem soar the more and more I included him in taking care of his brother. At first I couldn’t imagine leaving the baby alone with him. Now he takes care of both of his baby brothers with such skill and care. The more control I gave to him, the more confident and in love with them he fell. Trust them with their siblings. Let them feel included and see how beautiful and endearing these moments are. 

I always teach my boys that their brothers will always be their best friends. They should protect each other at all costs. This type of responsibility is what kids need to know that they are not the only people on this planet. It’s a forever bond and a built in friendship that they will always have. Teach them how lucky they are to have each other. Now, my oldest can be entertaining Johnny while rocking and feeding Angelo (11 months old) at the same time. I swear sometimes he seems better equipped than I do on a stressful day. 

Remind your kids what an amazing sibling they are. I tell my boys they are the best big brothers in the world. When you remind them how great they are with each other they really show a growing self worth by the size of the smile I see on them when I praise their bond.

Part 2 Coming soon!